Bridging Generations: Talking About Death with Parents and Children

There’s a quiet courage required of those of us in the middle - caring for aging parents while raising children of your own. The sandwich generation holds tender truths from both ends of life’s spectrum, often in the same breath.

One day, your parent shares news of a new diagnosis. The next, your child asks what it means when someone dies. You may find yourself caught between doctor’s appointments and school pickups, difficult decisions and bedtime stories.

It’s not easy - but you’re not alone.

The Courage to Begin

Talking about death can feel uncomfortable. Talking about a parent's end-of-life journey can feel unbearably sad. It's normal to hesitate, to worry about saying the wrong thing, or to want to protect your children and others from pain. But avoiding these conversations doesn’t protect our family - it often leaves them confused, unprepared, or carrying silent fears alone.

With Aging Parents: Openness and Respect

Initiating a conversation about end-of-life wishes with your parents may feel intimidating. You might worry about overstepping, stirring discomfort, or opening emotional wounds.

But these conversations are a gift. They create clarity, reduce stress during crises, and give your parents the chance to express what matters most.

Start gently. Try something like:

“I’ve been thinking about how important it is to make sure your wishes are known, and I’d really like to understand what matters to you.”

Let them guide the depth and pace. And know that this is often a series of conversations - not a single sit-down.

Some questions to consider:

• What does quality of life mean to you as you age?

• Are there medical treatments you would or wouldn’t want?

• Who would you trust to make decisions on your behalf?

• Are there stories, values, or traditions you’d like to pass down?

Even if you don’t get every answer right away, planting seeds of dialogue can grow trust and understanding.

With Children: Gentle Honesty and Presence

Children process death based on their age, development, and lived experience. What they need most is simple, clear language, space for big feelings, and the reassurance that they are safe and loved.

If a grandparent is seriously ill or dying, try:

“Grandpa’s body isn’t working the way it used to. The doctors have said he won’t get better.”

Avoid euphemisms like “passed away” or “gone to sleep,” which can be confusing or even frightening.

Invite their questions - even the ones you can’t fully answer. It’s okay to say:

“I don’t know, but I wonder about that too.”

Encourage expression in all forms. Some children draw, talk, or play. Others may cry, act out, or appear unaffected. All of these are valid ways of processing grief.

Your steady presence - more than perfect words - is what they’ll remember.

Bridging the Gap: Legacy, Love, and Listening

As someone standing in the middle, you carry the power to connect generations.

Ask your parents what parts of their story they’d like to share. Help your children see the wisdom, humor, or kindness woven into their grandparents’ lives.

Here are a few family rituals to consider:

• Record an interview or story session with an elder

• Create a simple memory book together

• Cook a favorite recipe and talk about where it came from

• Write letters to each other across generations

  
  

These shared acts become bridges - linking the past, present, and future with love.

What I've Witnessed as a Doula

Death doesn’t need to be a taboo. When we bring it into the light, we often discover deeper connection, clarity, and peace.

I’ve sat with families having these conversations for the first time - and watched their shoulders lower with relief.

Talking about death won’t make it happen sooner. But talking about it can make it less lonely.

You Don’t Have to Do This Alone

These conversations are acts of love. And you don’t have to carry them alone.

End-of-life doulas can help guide family meetings, offer language for difficult topics, and support both the emotional and practical sides of planning.

Whether you’re beginning the conversation with a parent, answering hard questions from a child, or simply sitting with your own thoughts - your presence matters. Your words matter.

And your willingness to talk about death… is also a way of celebrating life.