The Conversation You’ve Been Putting Off, and How to Start It - Advance Directives and End of Life Plans

We all have that conversation - the one that lingers in the back of our minds, quietly asking for our attention. It might sound like:

“Should I ask my parents if they’ve written down their wishes?”

“What would happen if something unexpected happened to me?”

“Am I supposed to bring this up at dinner?”

Difficult conversations are easy to postpone. They feel heavy. Emotional. Maybe even taboo. But avoiding them doesn’t make the need go away - it just delays the peace, clarity, and connection that come when we do talk.

Why We Avoid Talking About End of Life Plans

There are good reasons it feels difficult to talk about end-of-life care. We don’t want to upset anyone. We worry we’ll say the wrong thing. We think we have time. Or maybe we’re just not sure how to begin.

But waiting until there’s a crisis - or assuming someone else will handle it - can leave you unprepared, confused, or even divided. Starting these conversations now is an act of care.

Advance care planning makes space for the people we love to tell us what their end-of-life wishes are and matters most to them - and offering them the same gift in return. If you missed last week’s post, “Advance Care Planning for Every Age and Stage,” it’s a helpful place to begin. It lays the foundation for why these conversations and advance directives matter, no matter your age or health status.

Why Now is the Time

National Healthcare Decisions Day (April 16) is a reminder that this kind of planning, these end-of-life conversations, is for everyone - not just those with serious illnesses or at the end of life. It’s for parents and adult children. It’s for partners and best friends. It’s for anyone who wants to make sure their voice is heard when it matters most.

If you've been putting it off - know this: you’re not alone. And you don’t need to have the perfect words to begin.

How to Start the End-of-Life Talk With Your Parents

Talking with your parents about end-of-life planning might feel awkward, intimidating, or even a little surreal - but it doesn’t have to be. The key is creating the right conditions for the conversation to feel like an act of care, not a confrontation.

Choose a quiet moment, not a crisis. You might say something like, “Mom and Dad, I’ve been thinking about how we can make sure your wishes are honored as you age.”  Framing the conversation around their health, values, and future - not just death or dying - can encourage them to talk as it open the door to something deeper and more meaningful.

Above all, approach the conversation with empathy. Be curious. Listen more than you talk. Give your parents your presence. Acknowledge their emotions as they come—whether it’s discomfort, fear, or even relief. And if it feels right, share your own hopes or questions about your future care. Sometimes our vulnerability helps others find their voice.

Here are a few ways to gently open the door:

1. Lead with love

Try something simple, like:“I know this might be a hard topic, but I’ve been thinking about how important it is for me to understand your wishes if something ever happened.”

Or:

“I read something recently about advance care planning, and it made me realize I don’t actually know what you’d want in certain situations.”

You don’t need to launch into paperwork or medical details. Just focus on listening.

2. Use stories or examples

Sometimes it helps to reflect on an experience:

"Remember when Aunt Carol was in the hospital, and it was so hard to know what to do? I want to make sure we don’t have to guess like that.”

Real-life stories make the need feel real—and relatable.

3. Make it about both of you

Framing it as a shared conversation helps reduce defensiveness.

"I’ve been thinking about my own wishes too. Maybe we could talk about it together.”

This approach makes it feel like a mutual act of planning, not a confrontation.

4. Be okay with the pause

These conversations often take time. Your first talk doesn’t have to cover everything. You’re planting a seed, opening the door, showing you care. That’s enough to start.

End-of-Life Questions to Ask Your Parents:  Open the Door to Meaningful Conversations

Sometimes it helps to have a few thoughtful questions ready - not to check boxes, but to spark connection and understanding. You might gently ask,

“Have you thought about what kind of care you’d want if you were seriously ill?”

or

“If there came a time when you needed more help day to day, where would you feel most comfortable?”

Questions like these invite your parents to reflect on their values, not just make decisions. They create space for storytelling, memories, and clarity. By asking with genuine care and curiosity, you’re showing them that what matters to them… matters to you.

The Gift of the Conversation with Your Parents

It’s not about getting it perfect. It's not about having just one conversation. It’s about showing up with love and curiosity - and making space for honesty. These ongoing conversations can bring clarity. Sometimes they bring healing. Always, they bring connection and peace of mind.

I recommend The Conversation Project - a free, compassionate resource that offers guides to help everyone talk about their wishes for care through the end of life, so those wishes can be understood and respected.

This isn’t just about how we die. It’s about how we care for one another - now and always.